Scott Phillips

Every once in awhile, I see a “celebrity” of our era and try to think what it would be like to explain that person to my future son, King Phillips.

(Please note that King Phillips, my future NBA-playing son, has been a running joke among friends of mine for over a decade, except they’re totally unsure if I’m actually serious about using that name. It’s fucking fantastic; my girlfriend hates it.)

Kids ask a lot of questions — a lot of blunt, honest questions — and I know that I asked my Dad about plenty of obscure celebrities when I was growing up.

Who is Boy George? Who is Corey Feldman? Who is Ross Perot? Who is Milli Vanilli?

God, I feel bad for my old man. I probably peppered him with questions every week about useless people that he knew next to nothing about or didn’t feel like explaining in-detail to his prepubescent oldest son.

But these future conversations with my son, King, are the things I think about late at night.

So what would it be like if my son, King, asked me about 1990s multi-sport athlete and NFL All-Pro cornerback Deion Sanders?

Here’s how it might transcribe:

King: Dad, who is Deion Sanders?

Scott: You mean “Leon Sandcastle?” (starts laughing out loud)

King: (Stares blankly)

Scott: Sorry, that was a joke from a long time ago.

King: Why do you always laugh at your own jokes, Dad?

Scott: I do not.

King: Yes, you do. Mom and I always just look at each other and don’t know what to do.

Scott: (Interrupting son) Well, King, Deion Sanders was an All-Pro cornerback. One of the best cornerbacks to ever play the game of football, actually.

King: Better than Richard Sherman?

Scott: Oh yeah, definitely better than Richard Sherman.

King: But Richard Sherman is always on TV talking about how he was the best ever.

Scott: Richard may destroy Deion on television, but Prime Time was the coolest two-sport athlete of my day. Deion was an unreal football player, but he also played for the Atlanta Braves for a few years.

King: You mean Deion Sanders played two sports?

Scott: Yup, pretty cool huh?

King: Didn’t Michael Jordan do that too?

Scott: We don’t talk about Michael’s baseball career, son. That never happened. Understand?

King: Okay, okay…

Scott: So why the question about Deion Sanders? What made you bring him up?

King: They showed a highlight reel of NFL players that danced on “SportsCenter” and Deion was on there high-stepping and dancing. Why was he wearing a bandana?

Scott: People in the ’90s and early 2000s thought that bandanas were a lot cooler back then.

King: So how come you liked Deion Sanders so much? I found an old jersey in your closet.

Scott: Well, I liked the Dallas Cowboys for a few years when I was a kid because every kid goes through a soul-sucking phase where they root for a team that’s just really good for no reason.

King: Kind of like how I like the Charlotte Bobcats (just kidding, let’s try that line again)

King: Kind of like how I like the Los Angeles Clippers?

Scott: Yeah, just like that. You like Blake Griffin and the Clippers because they win a lot, yeah.

King: Yeah, and Derrick Rose is always injured.

Scott: (under breath) I hate you, son.

King: What, Dad?

Scott: (Turns on radio loudly and drives a touch faster) Nothing, son. Dad needs to stop at Binny’s.

Image credit: NFL.com